Hello, It's Me

Dear Writing,

It's been a while. How have you been?

I've been...it's been difficult. I can't say I didn't think about you. I've been busy. That's what I've been telling people and trying to convince myself.

I wanted to be with you a lot. I thought about bringing you with me on my morning commute but felt embarrassed. I wanted to be with you when I got home each day and vent but I told myself that wasn't enough. That's not a "real" way to be with you.

But here I am again. The typing on a blank screen, the words coming to mind and appearing on the page. The feeling that maybe just maybe, this is how we should be. Together.

You are so hard to be with. When I try to spend every day with you, I get bored, annoyed. You frustrate me. You make me lose my motivation. You mock me with your stark white blankness while I search for something, anything to say.

Yet -
I miss you. When you aren't with me, I feel lost. I feel like I'm searching for something that is a part of myself. It's like thinking about how you need to call that friend one morning, and getting home and forgetting you said tonight was the night you'd do it.

You help me think clearly. You help me see differently. You help me realize what's actually going on in my head. You help me remember. You help me move on.

You are a difficult one to love but I'll keep doing it anyway.

I'll be seeing you,
Writer in Progress

Eleven

Place des Vosges, Paris

A perfect park
In the middle of a beautiful neighborhood
Surrounded by an old palace

The green grass is perfectly manicured
As are the artistic hedges
The birds chirp
The children play
People sit and eat and read
And watch

The spring days are beautiful
The sun shines so brightly
The window for wearing sunglasses has arrived
I love to sit and watch

The families who picnic
The high schoolers who lunch
The models who pose

People living amongst the perfection
The city is so beautiful
The park, a hidden gem

I wish I could go back
To tell myself to observe every blade of grass
Watch every dripping ice cream cone
Sit and read on every green bench

The perfect park won’t always be a block away
I long for the park and the city
And the me I was there

Seven

To Elizabeth who taught me courage
To Sylvia whose beautiful words can haunt
To Hattie who taught me heartache and loss
To Meg who taught me love and curiosity
To the poetry of Mary and Elizabeth and Anne
that taught me beautiful words don’t have to come from Shakespeare alone
To Amy and her cool-girl rebellion
To Hermione and her pride in her intellect
To Rachel for discovering the truth and confronting him
To Liane for the twisted and shocking and yet loving stories
To the women who have changed me
Thank you

Eight

The New York Times Learning Network, https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/01/learning/lesson-plans/a-year-of-picture-prompts-over-160-images-to-inspire-writing.html 

Bright blue door
Ornate entry
Red flowers

Where does this door lead?
To a mosque where people go to worship and restore
To a castle where wealth kings and queens once roamed
To a garden where people can find beauty

Red flowers in bloom
Gives a sign of spring or summer
The sun shines brightly making the door shimmer like ocean water

The sand brick archway is inviting
But a long shadow casts a slight cloud over the door
Is it a tree or a building nearby?

Where does this blue door lead?

Nine #verselove 2019

Large long suitcase, stuffed with clothes, zipped
Small roller suitcase, stuffed with more clothes, zipped
Room, empty
Passport, ready
She, uncertain, anxious, excited

Parents, sad
Brother, sad underneath the surface
Car, packed

Flight, Paris
In flight, anxiety
Landing, smooth
Her mind, racing

Apartment, upstairs
Eight flights, tired
Open, door
Open, windows
Open, mind

Cafe, awaits

Parking Lot

This isn’t real life

This isn’t happening to me 

You’d never betray me 

I stare at the screen

The message  memorized 

But I can’t believe it 

The bee that stings me doesn’t hurt 

But the message tears me apart 

We plan to meet 

It’s a misunderstanding 

You will tell me it’s not true

Everything will be fine

My mind races 

Unfocused 

Unappreciative of the sunshine and summer warmth  

A cloud has rolled in
A storm rumbling inside my mind 

Driving to meet you

Mind still racing

Heart aching 

Wondering, what if it is true?

You pull up next to me in the lot of my apartment 

I confront you angry and confused

You tell me it’s true

My heart breaks
into
a million
pieces 

I end it right then and there

Never more sure 

Aching but knowing this is what I have to do 

You drive away 

I’m left with the shattered pieces to pick up

Frozen 

All we had is gone

What do I do now?

This I Know To Be True

Friends
The first person you meet in any situation is unlikely to last
The "freshman friend" you may see on Instagram years later
You may think back to meeting and thinking "this is my friend"
Then you think back and realize you don't remember when you stopped talking to each other

Heartbreak
You get out on the other side and you are better for it
You ache and grieve and shut out your roommates and your friends
You lie to them for a week, maybe two, not revealing what happened
Until one night you finally break down
You have a lot of ups and downs
You think you are done
But then you meet the person and you realize
You made it out, stronger, better

Adults
Adults don't have it all figured out
People get into their careers sometimes by choice, often by chance
People haven't grown up
They play politics and high school cliques
They lie and they deceive and they cheat
They laugh at your passion and diminish your efforts
Don't let them bring you down

Look Around, Look Around

Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now

It's hard to see the beauty, in the day to day grind
It's hard to see the love around, in the relationships that are falling apart
It's hard to feel awake, when life is becoming so tiring

This is the push
The light is not yet at the end of the tunnel
This is the cold before the storm
Winter is still trying to rear it's cold ugly head
Before the warmth of the springtime and the taste of the summer greets us

It's easy to get stuck
It's easy to feel low
It's easy to feel like things are spiraling

Pause
Listen
Hear the joy in those around you
Hear the support of your chosen family
See the students as people, not just bodies in a classroom
Be the person that greets them and says goodbye as they leave

It isn't easy to see the good
But if we look around, we will find that in fact, we are lucky to be where we are

Welcome Here

Welcome here
You've made it

You were hurt for a long time
But happy for longer than you know

You fought everyday
Even when it didn't feel like a fight
You still think back
You still remember the moments:
The car, the coffee place, the long drives

You still love a small part
But ache for the you that was hurt
She is still there, crying and afraid
She doesn't know she will become you

You are amazing
You have achieved everything you've set out to accomplish so far
You have degrees plural, live in New York City, have someone who loves you and wants to have forever with you

You have students that love you
Even when you mess up, they see that you care
They know they matter to you

You have friends from long ago and far away and nearby
You have family that loves you and new family that loves you too

You are so close to loving the you you are and caring for the you you've been
You are where you're supposed to be

Namaste

Self-care
Yoga pose
Green smoothie
Face bare

Clean food
Toned arms
Positive attitude
Skin smooth

#Nomakeup
#Nofilter
#Namaste
#Bewildered

Is this pose right?
Are these leggings tight?
Will this post get enough likes?
Is this self-care or a vice?

Am I selling body positivity?
Or money brands will give me?

Namaste to all
Who will catch me when I fall?

A Year Ago, A Year From Now

Looking back is often hard
Where was I a year ago?
Am I better off now than I was a year ago?
I'm still just as tired
I'm still afraid
I'm still making mistakes

I was younger
I was more hopeful
I was more self-conscious
I was pushing things back

I think back now
To the way back times, before when things were bad
Things never felt bad then
But looking back, I wish I had known

I've come so far from then
I've fought so hard for now
But to me that isn't enough
I should be happier, lighter, freer, wiser
I should be energized and have it all figured out

I should not be having bad days
I should definitely not be having mediocre days
I should be more grateful
I should be eating healthier
I should be exercising

I should stop listening to my mind so much
Pause on thoughts
Play
Begin looking at now
Begin looking ahead

What will I have accomplished a year from now?